Chapter 16

Angel really wished he was anywhere else but in the middle of a dark damp swamp. He knew where he wanted to be, who he needed to see. But he also knew where he couldn’t be.

Recalling how he’d fallen in love with Buffy on that first day when he had seen her happily leaving her school. She had been innocent of her future, unaware of the world she now lived in or of her calling. A part of him wished it had never happened; that he had never seen her. Then all this pain would be gone.

She was leaving him. Her heart destined for another and his soul ached. Although he knew they had no future together, that he could never grow old with her, raise children, make plans, he had allowed himself to hope, to dream. Someday in the future he had seen them together, when all the practical barriers would miraculously be removed. But now …?

He stared sadly at the blue-grey insipid water that seemed to reflect his future. ‘Damn the Powers That Be. How could they allow this to happen? How could they let me feel about her the way I do? Knowing that she would only feel same way for a brief time? Knowing that she was destined to be with another? Wasn’t the gypsy curse enough?’

“Willow?” Could it be true? Surely he would have known, noticed somehow? He felt foolish and strangely naïve. There must have been something there, even then. How could he have missed it? When had he become so blind? Then again maybe Cordy was right. Maybe Buffy didn’t yet know how she felt.

He thought of Willow - quiet, self-contained, intelligent, caring, supportive and surprisingly strong. He tried to picture her holding Buffy, kissing her. He wanted the anger to rise within him, but it didn’t!

“Damn it!” He liked and trusted Willow. She’d fought to re-ensoul him. For Buffy. He would trust Willow with his own life and he had. She had done everything she could to give Buffy what she believed would bring the Slayer a chance at true happiness. She had tried to give Buffy the person she thought that her best friend loved above all others - him.

Had Willow suppressed her own longings just to make Buffy happy? Ignoring her own dreams and desires, pushing them aside to do what was right. How long had she denied herself for Buffy’s happiness? Wasn’t that what you did for someone you loved?

“Blast.” He knew the answer but he didn’t have to like it. He didn’t want to have to live up to it.

He recalled how Buffy had risked everything to rescue Willow from the Mayor against all their advice. And despite himself he knew that Willow would do the same for her. She had proved herself a loyal friend over the years. Who was he to doubt that Willow loved Buffy or that Buffy felt the same way? Looking back at events he wondered how it hadn’t occurred to him before.

After all he’d been the one that had left. He had removed himself from her for both their sakes. Had he actually believed she wouldn’t move on? He had told her to move on and he had honestly thought that he had been ready for her to do so.

Just not for a woman! He’d always thought it would be some boy; some juvenile college boy, immature and full of teen angst. Someone who could never hope to compete with a worldly wise vampire of his years; who could never share her battle with evil; who could never have their connection.

But Willow! She’d been there fighting at Buffy’s side from the beginning. Supporting her, sharing the battle, the aftermath, the day to day living with Buffy’s calling. She, who had from the beginning been there to treat Buffy’s injuries, both physical and emotional, could always be by her side day and night. She’d become a powerful Witch, an ally. He respected her. How the hell was he supposed to compete with someone he respected? He wasn’t even sure that he could win if it came down to it and that shook him to his very core.

‘Oh God.’ Something terrible occurred to him. ‘What if Willow rejects her?’ All of his protective instincts rushed forward at the fear that anyone could reject and hurt his Buffy. But she wasn’t his any more! Cordy had said that they were soul mates. That Willow and Buffy were two old souls split apart by time, destined to seek each other out through every re-incarnation, every life time. She had used terms he had thought would only ever apply to Buffy and his love.

Okay this was the modern world; an era more open-minded than many of the eras he had lived through; than the era in which he had been raised. Buffy was hardly what you’d describe as a damsel, let alone a wench. As a young mortal he wouldn’t have known how to woo a woman such as Buffy. His centuries weighed heavily upon him, as a dusty coat, reminding him just how old-fashioned he was at heart, what little had changed within him. True, he liked his women strong, confident, and even sassy but still very much in need of or attracted to his masculine strength. Darla, now there had been a wench of sass and fire, but she too had leaned upon him, deferred to him as he had come to expect his women would.

But modern women -- they expected so much more of him. Insight, thoughtfulness, emotion, support, equality among other things. And so he had learned their ways, opening himself up to a side of his nature he had never known, would never have known without them. He had lapped up their lives, their wants and needs so that he could be as close as he could ever be to touching them, knowing their bodies through their minds until it had all led him to this.

What did Buffy need from him anymore? She had been the one to pull him back from the edge, to make him face his humanity, to activate his link to the world and to challenge his place in that world. She had never needed his strength. She had needed his understanding of her calling and the life she had to lead, his support, his belief in her and her abilities. But Willow could give her all of that and more. Yes, she most definitely could.

‘Face it – you’re out of your depth.’

And who was he? What was he? How could he be other than what he was born to be? - A vampire. He tried to wear a mask, to give others an illusion of something that he was not. It should have sufficed that he could live with the mask but he knew what lay within, what he held within him, forever fighting to escape. He listened to it, almost reaching to it; he had lived with it for so long. What others considered his usual brooding was often nothing more than an internal conversation with his inner demon.

And as if he had called it, he heard its voice. ‘Don’t do yourself such an injustice, my dear boy, by forcing yourself into these shoes of humanity that do not belong to you and that can never fit. You live a lie. Feel the essence of who you really are. Live it and breathe it. Life is there to be taken as you and only you can. You try to live the life others wish you to live. Life is and should be a dreadful adventure - there for the tasting. Enjoy, savor each drop of life that crosses your path. You can walk my path firmly if you remain true to the essence of your being, true to me. Walk in my shoes. You know them so well,’ the voice suggested temptingly.

But Angel replied firmly, ‘This path that I am on will contain lessons and obstacles you are incapable of appreciating but it is mine. My own life, without you, and the lessons I need the most can only be found by walking my own true path and not by walking in another's footsteps, especially not yours. Only I can find my truth. You cannot answer my questions for me.’

The voice seemed to laugh! ‘Even when you try another's shoes on for size, to sneak into their lives and find out who they are and why they are the way that they are, you know, dear boy, that the shoes will not be theirs as such. You will adapt them to your own feet by turning the situation and adjusting it so that you can see it from your point of view. For your feelings are never going to match theirs entirely and who would want them to? You’d have to drown in all that love,’ it almost spat. ‘Fine - walk in another's shoes, but remember who you really are. And just remember that I’m here – waiting. You have walked in my shoes before making them fit you, using them happily. Together we could make her ours.’

Angel let the truth of his demon’s words and the associated guilt sink in before he replied, ‘Yours were a dead man’s shoes. I walked in them but I was never able to alter them. You are not who I am. This path, this life I may adapt to my feet and I will still have a better understanding of humanity than you ever did. My perspective will never be the same as yours. That’s what you’re afraid of; that I will learn to love humanity more than I already do and that I will be able to hold you in place forever. You only want to make them feel pain and to enjoy it, not to relieve their pain or make it easier to bear as I must,’ he accused it before becoming reflective. ‘I used to think she felt exactly the same way that I still do, and I wish she still did but that’s not the way it is and nothing can make it so. I used to think I knew her but I would have had to get inside of her toes and crawl up inside her soul to know her the way you would want me to. But that would have stopped her from growing. She would have had to alter, change herself to suit me. I knew that it would have suffocated her very being, made her life impossible and burdened by my many crimes. I had to let her be who she was meant to be and what she was meant to become. By being true to herself, by walking her own path, growing and developing as she should even if that meant she would have to walk her life with another … she would have a life, her true life, instead of living one for me.’

It laughed at him, long and hard. ‘How stupid your pain is. It tastes like poison, sickly, selfless and sweet. You deny yourself what your very core wants.’

‘No, what I do is to allow what her very core needs. That’s how much I love her. You’ll never understand,’ he said shaking his head in despair.

Cordy was right. This was right. He finally understood. He accepted what had to be and his heart shattered as the tears flowed. Tears of sadness for what he had lost. Closely followed by tears of contentment at the knowledge that Buffy would now have what had always been missing from her life, what she needed to make her complete, what he could never provide. She would finally have the only person who could give all of this to her. And he allowed himself to be happy for her, because he knew that he would always love her and be grateful for what she had given him – love, humanity, friendship and trust.

As he let the tears fall, he accepted that he was ready to let her move on with her life and he felt content that it would be with the person he knew would always love her, would always take care of her and would always put her first - - Willow. He now knew that he would be ready, when the time came, to give them both his blessing and mean it. Then again, considering who and what he was maybe he would just give them his best wishes.

The demon retreated in the face of his newly found resolve.

***************************BtVS*******************************

While the vision quest continued in the back room, Anya was relegated to the front of the Magic Shop where she moved the cheaper candles further back and the pricier candles to the front of the shelf. She hated it when Giles tried to help with the displays since he seemed to completely ignore her frequent advice on product placement. He had no idea that it was all about appealing to the laziness of the customer, where and when ever possible.

Giles said he was listening and he even asked the odd intelligent question but he wasn’t really listening at all. He was doing that thing she had once seen a parent do to an annoying child – making noise in all the right places.

She’d told them that the curse was about sex but they had all tried to ignore her and even when they did get on board, no one said anything aloud. Xander had even given her a whole lecture on why talking about Willow and Buffy having had sex was another inappropriate topic of conversation. She was really getting pissed at the long list of things that she couldn’t talk about. She’d thought that Willow, with all her new found Lesbian knowledge and sexual experience, would loosen up about sex, talk about it, revel in its pleasures and joys, but oh no – it was all angst, shy, blushing, babbling and still with the shocked looks every time she mentioned the subject.

It seemed no one ever listened to her, except possibly about demons, curses, evil and such. It was like a weird kind of phobia that they just couldn’t get past. It really made her furious that everyone could forget or ignore the fact that Willow had been straight and was now gay, but oh no, they never forgot she had been a demon.

She occasionally wished she still had her powers, fondly recalling her first act as a full-fledged vengeance demon. Carloman, the King of Bavaria, was an old charmer who had little or no regard for the wife upon whom he so frequently cheated. D'Hoffryn had chosen her first charge perfectly. She recalled how the all-powerful king had whimpered and begged for her charge’s [his wife’s] forgiveness for his poor husbandry skills, for his dalliances. He had sought Anya’s advice, her counsel to better please his spouse. He had tried every trick he had ever used to keep from having to pay for his behavior.

Anya had watched in amused satisfaction at the familiar look that had filled her charge’s eyes. She had known he didn’t mean it. She had heard all these words before many, many times.

After an hour of pleading he had turned to accusation, blaming his wife for all his failings, accusing her of foul deeds until her charge had finally snapped and wished he would go fuck himself.

The shock killed him.

***************************BtVS******************************

Buffy watched the image before her in complete astonishment. ‘Cordy trusted Faith?’ She couldn’t get this obvious fact out of her head. Even with Willow still ranting over the fake tan, her mind was running at sixty miles an hour trying to make sense of what she was seeing. ‘I’m cool about my body but there’s a real short list of people I’d trust with a secret like that one. Let alone a job like that one,’ she stated to herself as she heard Xander calming Willow, as only he could. Suddenly her mind filled with images of her spray painting Willow. ‘Oh no! Not now!’

“We need to concentrate,” Giles said annoyance evident in his tone.

‘Oh no we don’t,’ thought Buffy as she desperately tried to chase the image from her mind. ‘Think Cordy. Think Faith. Think anything but this’

“Could we please try to focus? Thank you,” Giles stated as Xander and Willow attempted to reconnect with Buffy and the vision rod.

‘Oh please, please,’ Buffy begged, her mind fearful of the vision that her thoughts could lead them to. ‘I wish I could just go back in time before I knew, before I felt like this.’

(Concentrate please,) Giles reminded all concerned.

Buffy threw her mind back to high school reaching out to the simple days. ‘Yeah, right!’

She saw a corridor begin to appear, a school corridor. Familiarity flooded over them as the corridor just outside the old Sunnydale high library came into focus. Peering in through the portholes of the library doors were two figures they immediately recognized -- Oz and Cordy, who seemed to be making no move to enter the library.

(Why are they staying outside?) Xander asked.

(Xander!) Giles said, his tone becoming more strained.

“Leave them to it,” Oz commented. Faint voices could be heard from beyond the doors.

“If it gets me out of the volunteer squad, I’m happy. My wardrobe is starting to suffer. Buffy should get a clothing allowance or something,” Cordelia responded, without turning to look at him. “I don’t know how she does it,” she added, her tone serious.

Oz seemed to stare at Cordelia for quite sometime before he turned and cast a look into the library. “It’s okay, you know,” he commented.

“Huh?” she responded with an absent-minded shrug of her shoulders.

“It’s easier here - on the outside. We’ll never really be in the in, you know. Much as they might try to make us feel like they are including us. And being jealous - that’s normal,” he explained.

“I just … I am not jealous,” Cordelia stated but as she looked at Oz she sighed. Turning back to the porthole for a brief moment she seemed to fix her gaze. “I see what she does … how much she gives up. But what can you do or say? She needs nothing that I can give her. Would I want to be her? No way. Do I look crazy? Who’d want to give up a future? Who’d want to have to hope that the friends and family you’ve got will stay with you … survive? Because that’s all you’ll ever have. And there’s nothing I can do to make it any easier. Like she’d ever let me.” Closing her eyes briefly she turned to look at Oz. “How do you cope? Hell, how do we cope? We’re always going to be second string, stepping aside so they can help her deal with the new big bad. And we know we’re doing it.” She shook her head at the futility of her annoyance.

“Yeah, but saving the world. That sorta makes stepping aside a given,” he pointed out.

“Well I think it sucks. Do you think they even realize? You know … how linked they are?”

“Nope … and I don’t intend to make them look too hard at it,” Oz replied in his casual manner. “I get to be close to her. That’s all I can ask. If I made her choose … I’m not sure …” Oz ended looking back into the room.

“Yeah …” Cordelia responded, returning her eyes to the group in the library. “Some choices should be ours.”

“But it will happen. Eventually we’ll leave because staying and always being on the outside will just hurt too much. They won’t mean to push us away but they will and we’ll let them,” he added.

“I’m not there yet,” Cordelia replied. “But sometimes when I see the way they are with each other ... you know. You don’t have to read minds to know …”

Oz gave Cordelia a side glance, his face briefly concerned. “So … we’ll leave them to it,” he said firmly, ending any further discussion on the topic.

“Yeah … I’m not really the hero type anyway. Anyone could tell you that. I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” Cordelia replied turning from the door and moving down the corridor. “Leave them to it.”

Oz watched her go and quietly he mumbled, “Walking away seems easy. But we never really will.” With that said, he briefly glanced into the library before turning to follow Cordelia down the corridor.

************************************BtVS*************************

Chapter 17

(He never said anything. I didn’t know,) Willow almost whispered her thoughts. (I wouldn’t have… I mean… I didn’t mean him to feel… Oh God! Did I do that to Tara too…?), the pain in her thoughts so acutely evident.

(Will. No, you can’t think like that,) Buffy interrupted, disturbed by the sadness and hurt in her best friend’s voice.

(But they left. They always seem to leave. Everyone leaves me…) Willow choked in response, forgetting that Xander and Giles were listening.

Buffy winced at the comment and the vein of truth that seemed to run through it. People did always seem to leave them. She responded quietly (I’m still here.) and then realizing who was listening she quickly added (We all are.)

(Too true. Let’s face it - the one time I tried to leave I didn’t get out of the state. Your stuck with me,) Xander piped up.

(Thanks guys, but you know what I mean,) Willow responded (Don’t you?)

(Indeed I do,) Giles acknowledged his thoughts injecting a tone of grief they all knew far too well and acknowledged as his loss of Miss Calendar. That he had voiced his feelings surprised the rest of the group.

They sat in silence for what seemed like ages staring at the fixed vision of the empty corridor that seemed to sum up their lives so far; the area just outside of the Library, where their journey had begun. Unable to see inside at the moment, they all remembered how it was to become a stage of sorts upon which they would play out the failures and successes of their early adolescent lives; their defeats and their victories; some of their saddest and some of their happiest moments.

(Hey, I’ve got Anya!) Xander suddenly exclaimed, slightly ashamed that it had taken him so long to think of her. (If I can find someone to put up with the weird and wacky B-movie feature that is “Scooby Ville” and me, you guys can’t give up hope. Can you?) Xander pointed out in a last ditch attempt to lift the ice cold feeling of despair that seemed to be overwhelming them.

Buffy found herself grinning. (He’s got a point,) she quipped. (I mean if someone, even Anya, is willing, despite everything, to take Xander on…)

(You mean… you know… the dress sense, the strangely large forearms and stuff. I mean if you’re into the construction type, sweat, hard hats…) Willow added, smirking and beginning to relax again.

Giles couldn’t help himself (And lest we forget the left over odor of… hmmm… hyena or is that soldier… No. Ahhh, it could be ….)

(Hey!!! And I mean - Hey!) Xander spoke up indignantly.

The mood lifted as the three giggled and Xander growled. The image of the corridor began to fade.

(Oh, no! Everyone concentrate. Think of the Globe, about the curse before we lose the connection,) Giles urged them. (I know we’re all getting tired but we really must gather as much information as we can - now). He didn’t want to explain that he really only wanted one more thing made clear, that he pretty much had it all mapped out.

Before them the vision’s colors altered moving from the bright, clear tones that had filled the corridor to darker, colder, danker colors. As the image cleared, a dingy shop counter came into focus and behind it the short man they had seen earlier talking to that lawyer.

(What the…) Buffy muttered.

“Well my dear, you certainly seem to know all the right people,” the shopkeeper said appearing to look Buffy in the eye. Willow found herself staring at his eyes unable to put her finger on why they were different but knowing somehow that they were.

“Yeah, that’s me – know all the right people in all the low and wrong places. So can you do it?” Faith’s voice responded, so loud that it seemed she was at their shoulder.

(Jeeze…) Xander jumped. (She’s behind us, we’re between them, you need to…)

(I’m on it,) Buffy responded willing the vision to step to one side and turn to look back. Slowly the vision shifted until she was seeing the scene as it should have been. Faith was talking over the counter to the short man.
(Right, that’s better) Buffy said.

“Well it’s no easy matter but I guess you know that. The most difficult thing to acquire will be an Amber Orb of Ishtar. They are extremely rare and expensive,” he ended with a retailer’s glint in his eyes.

Faith looked at him, turning her head slightly to get the measure of the man, and then she scanned the dingy dark shop with its book-laden shelves and grey walls. “Yeah right, what’s so special about Izzy’s Orb?”

The short man managed to place a slim but tight smile of annoyance upon his face before replying, “The Amber Orb of Ishtar is a valuable object; greatly prized for it allows you to walk in another’s shoes. It is said that the Goddess Ishtar and her followers used it to punish her enemies by teaching them the joy, power and pleasure of being in a true woman’s body and then returning them to an inadequate male body. I could make a fortune on the internet...” he smiled wistfully before returning to business. “Of course I’m sure that I could acquire it for a very reasonable price.”

“No problemo. I already have Izzy’s Orb; great paper weight,” Faith stated smugly.

“Indeed,” he commented, holding back his desire to question her further as to just how a woman who looked like she did had managed acquire such a valuable item. Then it was as if he had remembered just who had sent her to him. “But of course. Well my dear, that will make things much simpler. I have been advised briefly regarding what you wish to achieve and I must say it is quite a novel way to use the Orb. A very generous, unconventional idea or, should I say, gift?”

“You could say that. I need to help two very important people get exactly what they deserve. I owe them on so many levels,” she stated with conviction. However the short man seemed unmoved by her words.

“And you feel that walking in each other’s shoes for a time will bring them what they deserve?” he questioned.

“It has other advantages, but yeah. That’s the general idea. I reckon a ‘get out’ clause that leaves no doubt would be good too,” Faith said smiling.

“And how long would you like the timescale to be? Say a deadline of a month?” he ventured.

“Jeeze! No way should it take that long. How dumb would they have to be to take that long?” she asked raising her eyebrows. Then looking to her left she did some considering. “Then again… when you look at how dumb they’ve been so far… Yeah, a month sounds good.”

“Okay. I can probably have something for you in about a day. I’ll need their names and any other details you have.”

Faith reached into her jacket and produced a folded piece of paper and handing it across the counter to the short man, she grabbed his outstretched hand. “Little man, this stink hole of a shop you have here doesn’t fill a girl with mega confidence and neither do you but some guys who should know what’s what pointed me your way. So I gotta figure you’re like the wolf-in-sheep’s clothing type, a rough diamond, you know,” she stated smiling. Then with threatening eyes she added, “But… if anything goes wrong and I mean if anything… even remotely iffy, let alone anything bad happens - I will be back to collect your head … just your head. You get me?” She held his hand very tightly, staring intently into his eyes waiting for his reply.

“Clear as a bell my dear. I assure you I have a very valid reputation to uphold,” he stammered, not quite looking her in the eye as he spoke.

“Getting this right means more to me than you can ever imagine, Pee Wee. Trust me when I say that this has to go five by five. I need to make it right. I owe them. Pissing me off with some half-assed curse will be a sure fire way to lose your head,” she threatened before finally releasing his hand. “I’ll be back. Have it ready,” she ordered before turning and walking out of the shop.

The short man watched her leave and as the door closed behind her, he leaned under the counter to bring his telephone onto the counter and dialed. Raising the hand set to his ear he waited, still staring at the door.

(So that’s how she came by the curse,) Giles commented.

(Why can’t she just let it go? What do I have to do to get her to leave me alone?) Buffy exclaimed. Her mind awash with Faith’s comments - her reference to giving them just what they deserved made a chill run through her entire being.

“Good, you’re in. I was beginning to wonder,” the small man commented. “She’s a little feistier than I normally like and the death threat wasn’t appreciated. I expect you to ensure that she will never able to deliver on it or the deal is off,” he paused listening to the voice on the other end of the telephone. ………. “Yeah, I told her a day. I’ll have it camouflaged by then. I have enough detail to make her read just what she wants to read.” ………. “I’m a professional and I’m not used to having the quality of my work questioned.” ……… “You’ll just have to trust me. She won’t be able to see it.”…………. “Yes exactly as specified. It should be quite something. I’ll await payment in the agreed fashion.” With that he replaced the receiver and turned to look back at the door. “Well my dear, it seems that you and your friends will come to pay for the disrespect you have shown Eoin Maclay this day.”

(What? What did he just say?) Willow asked, unsure if her ears had heard the shopkeeper correctly. A small part of her knew what he had said. But no! A larger part of her was sure that Tara would never have anything to do with this. She knew that they had parted as friends. ‘Hadn’t they?’

(His name seems familiar,) Giles commented and almost immediately realized why. Remorse filled him with the desire to crawl into a hole. (Ahh, yes well, I’m sure it’s coincidence,) he offered weakly.

(I don’t believe in coincidence,) Buffy pointed out.

(Okay, so there’s the whole butterfly theory. But I mean… guys… surely Tara would never… ) Xander commented hopefully. He was, however, becoming disturbed by the way all their exes just kept popping up in these visions. (Jeeze, is there anyone who doesn’t have an issue with us?)

The vision began to fade; colors bleeding away before them until another picture slowly formed. And suddenly before them stood the object of Willow’s ponderings -- Tara.

She appeared to be standing on the campus, behind a tree, looking across the grass. She was wearing a long blue skirt and light grey t-shirt, over her shoulder an old army style bag, bulging to its extremes. Her arms crossed as she cast her eye over a group sitting on the grass.

(That’s us,) Xander stated as if only he could see the vision.

(Will?) Buffy questioned, realizing that everyone knew roughly what was coming and rather annoyed that these visions seemed oblivious to the pain that they were going to cause her Willow.

(It’s okay,) Willow assured her. She couldn’t keep running away from this. She knew, on some unconscious level, that she had hurt Tara; that she had excluded her from part of her life, a very big and important part of her life, just as she had Oz. Ignoring this hadn’t really helped. It had only filled her with more guilt, unresolved issues and self-doubt than any Wiccan of her young years should have to carry. She had had enough of feeling like a disappointment to herself and others. Breathing deeply, she steeled herself to watch the vision unfold.

Tara’s face was so intense. All her energy seemed to be concentrated, as if she was bracing herself to watch. Then her eyes filled with such longing and pain until slowly tears seemed to form in the already red corners of her eyes. She took a deep breath, turning her eyes away from the scene before her, to swallow, wanting to push the tears down as if they could be held back. Raising her hand to her hair, she brushed a stray strand behind her ear before raising her eyes again.

Buffy was mesmerized by the woman before her. This was the first woman that her Willow had loved, the first person she had ever been jealous of. Buffy felt that she was nothing like Tara, who was soft, gentle, shy and yet quietly confident in her sexuality. She had an endearing stutter, the ample curves of a woman and a very feminine way about her. She recalled the first time she had met Tara; how easy she was to be with; how much she liked the girl. She searched for any small part of this woman that she could see in herself. Something about this woman had captured Willow’s heart; had attracted her Willow. It was this ‘something’ that she wanted so much to have.

There before Tara’s gaze sat Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles; engrossed in their conversation and oblivious to all around them. Buffy steered the vision towards them, rather interested in what it was that Tara was watching. As she did so, Giles appeared to turn and glare at Xander and a giggle escaped from Xander’s mind, as he realized that he had probably just called him ‘G-man’. Meanwhile a glance of amusement passed between Willow and Buffy.

Xander seemed to be attempting calm Giles down as Buffy leaned into Willow to whisper something into her ear. As she did so she paused closing her eyes before she spoke. Whatever was said, Willow threw her head back and laughed, playfully pushing Buffy away from her.

Giles seemed to have moved his attention to the now giggling Willow and Buffy, who reacted to this by huddling together and raising their shoulders and palms in mock fear. With this Giles stood, delivered a parting shot and disapproving look before he moved off shaking his head.

Xander, opening his arms and turning his palms up, shrugged in an act of all innocence before standing and following Giles. Willow and Buffy watched him chase after the watcher, all the while leaning into each other and giggling.

The vision seemed to move back allowing them to see Tara’s face, as a single tear moved down her cheek and a look of longing and loss filled her eyes. Losing her rigid stance, she crumpled to the ground, never removing her gaze from the two figures on the grass. Shaking her head she nervously licked her lips, then breathing deeply she drew her bottom lip between her teeth.

Willow could see the sadness and despair filling her. She could see Tara was fighting it, refusing to give in. “Willow,” she uttered.

(I’m right here baby) Willow responded, forgetting for a moment that this Tara and this moment had passed.

“Oh Willow,” Tara mumbled as another tear fell, following the first on its slow journey down her face. “Goddess, how can she not know? Why do I have to know?” she asked in anguished tones, before pulling herself back to her feet. The tears were now flowing freely and her mouth had dropped open in sadness and resignation.

Taking one last look at the happy friends before her, she turned and ran blindly from the scene and almost into the path of some on-coming bicyclists. Swerving to avoid them, she collided with a tall male.

(Riley) Buffy said, identifying their Psych teacher’s assistant into whom Tara had run headlong.

“Whoa there! You nearly had me,” he stated, having gained a firm hold of her shoulders to prevent her from falling. Gazing at the tear stained face before him, he didn’t release her and instead he asked, “Hey, are you okay? Mmm, it’s... Sara, isn’t it? Willow’s friend?”

Riley’s misspeaking her name and his reference to Willow just seemed to set off the tears again. Tara vainly attempted to release herself from Riley but he didn’t seem to think that was a good idea. The concern in his face seemed genuine but none the less Willow felt the need to push him away from Tara.

“Hey. It’s okay. I’m not sure what I said but I seem to have added to your pain and that I have to fix. How about you let me find you somewhere a little less public to vent, chat or just plain cry if that’s what you need?” he asked quietly, smiling reassuringly at the tear stained woman before him. To everyone’s surprise Tara looked him in the eye and, after a short pause, she simply nodded.

(Who is that guy?) Xander asked.

(He’s a teacher’s assistant, a home-grown Iowa farm boy. He likes cheese,) Buffy explained, rambling as she realized how little she really knew about Riley. She recalled that he had seemed friendly and approachable but too good to be true and a tad square.

(What the hell is he doing?) she wondered out loud.

Willow watched as Riley placed a protective arm around Tara and moved her towards the edge of the Campus grounds to a little café that she knew the vegetarian students frequented. Guilt and fear filled her. She knew that she wanted to hear what Tara was thinking but she wasn’t sure that she wanted to know that someone who was still on Campus already knew. As much as Willow had grown to like Riley, she wished that he wasn’t here for this. She tried to remember if he had been any different towards her lately but nothing came to mind. This didn’t relieve her concerns since she knew she had been pretty self-obsessed after Tara left.

The vision began to fade as Buffy subconsciously released her grasp on it. (Buffy, hold on to the vision!) Giles exclaimed realizing, with embarrassment, that there was something about this that needed to be seen by both Buffy and Willow.

(Will, do you want me to go on with this?) she asked opening her eyes to look at her best friend, ignoring her Watcher’s instructions. Willow simply nodded. Buffy nudged the time line along and decided in that moment that this would be the last damn vision.

“You need a drink? Some water?” Riley asked as he placed Tara at a quiet table near the back of the almost empty café.

“W-w-w water,” she replied.

“Okay. I’ll be right back,” Riley stated reassuringly before he left her and headed to the café counter.

Returning to her with two glasses of water, he placed them on the table and took the seat opposite her. “So Sara…”

(Jeeze,) Xander exclaimed.

“T-t-t Tara,” she said, looking up briefly.

“Wha… Oh hell, sorry. I’ve no head for names,” he apologized, offering her an apologetic grin. “Sorta explains why I’m not majoring in History.”

Tara almost smiled.

“So, I’m guessing it’s not the Cubs losing by eight runs that brought you to tears,” he began. “I’ve seen you in Psych with Willow and Buffy. I know that you’re all friends. Do you want me to see if I can find one of them?”

“NO!” Tara exclaimed, for once losing her stutter in her certainty. “No, I just… this is f-f-f fine. I just… I let it all g-g-g get to me, that’s all.”

Riley’s face made it clear he didn’t have a clue what she was going on about. But he nodded none the less. “Yeah, that can happen,” he agreed before adding “Trouble is… it can keep happening if you don’t face it.”

“I know,” Tara responded.

(He’s like mini Professor Walsh,) Buffy commented before she could help herself.

“So what are you going to do?” Riley asked.

“I d-d-don’t know,” Tara responded with a lost look in her eyes.

(We could have talked,) Willow offered sadly.

“I almost have what I want, but I … there are just some things I can n-n-n never change,” Tara explained.

“I seem to remember some clever quote that says we should find the strength to change the things we can, the courage or something to know the things we can’t change, but… oh yeah… the wisdom to know the difference,” Riley responded.

Tara looked at him strangely and then she slowly nodded. “Yeah, I guess that’s why I was crying,” she explained. Seeing the questioning look on his face, she paused in thought before adding “I’ve just realized this is one of those ‘know the difference’ cases. Something I want to not to be true, so that I can keep what I have. But something that will always be true no matter what I do.”

“Sounds tough,” Riley commented. “So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t really know. I c-c-c could try and learn to live with knowing that they… w-w-w with the truth,” she said, her tone wavering with emotion.

“That doesn’t sound like the easy option,” Riley stated, apparently having picked up the change of tone in her voice.

“Yeah... But at least I’d have part of what I want,” she responded in her defense.

“Would just ‘part’ be enough?” Riley asked.

“I c-c-c could make it enough. I mean… I know the truth but I’m pretty sure they don… I m-m-m mean as long as… s-s-s she’s h-h-h happy,” Tara stumbled.

Riley raised an eyebrow at her slip but apparently realizing that discretion was the better part of valor, and that an inquisition was the last thing Tara needed, he didn’t comment except to ask “But would you be happy?”

Tara glanced at her still full glass of water in response and soon the tears were falling again as she silently shook her head.

Realizing that the answer to his question was no, Riley leaned forward. “The good things don’t usually make someone nice like you cry. So I have to ask if this is really the best thing for you. I don’t think you can cope with and I don’t think that you should have to settle for having … just part of what you need. No one should.”

Tara didn’t respond and realizing that she needed time to think, Riley sat back and let her have the room she needed

*********************************BtVS***********************

Chapter 18


Finally Tara spoke, mostly to herself and almost in a whisper. “But I see their auras. They m-m-m match,” she sighed. “How can I ignore t-t-t hat? Despite what people think… you can’t ignore how you feel about someone just because … others won’t approve… others won’t understand. Maybe they’ll figure that out one day?” She shook her head and sighed sadly, “But it’s not like either one of them has realized yet. They may never figure it out. I could be giving up everything for n-n-n no reason, couldn’t I?” she questioned herself.

Riley’s expression became strange as he realized she was talking about a relationship. His brow furrowed, as he appeared to be running back over the conversation, trying to spot clues that might indicate who she was talking about. He had never seen her with anyone but ‘Buffy, Willow and that non-student guy… Oh, and the older English man…’ His eyebrows shot up in concern at that last thought.

(Oh yeah, he’s in the zone. I feel for the guy. Talk about being out of your depth,) Xander commented, not realizing the actual object of Riley’s concern.

(Shh) Giles hissed, torn and wracked with guilt for wanting Tara to voice her fears, to say it out loud so that he wouldn’t have to do it himself. But also feeling for Tara as he had grown to like her quiet ways and understated intelligence. He wished her no discomfort or pain, and truly hoped that they were misjudging Riley’s reaction.

Tara fell into another momentary silence before adding, “But I’d know. It would be like cheating; stealing happiness that should not be mine but should belong to another; keeping something I should never really have had; that was never really m-m-mine. But Goddess, their auras… They tell me all I really need to know. Any half decent reader of auras could recognize it. Goddess, almost anyone could see it if they only bothered! But people just seem to close their eyes to this kind of love,” she exclaimed, her anger and frustration evident.

Riley stared at her for what seemed like an eternity before he bit the bullet and responded, “I’m not quite sure that you feeling that you know something is going to happen means it’s actually going to happen. Maybe this is more about your fear of it happening.”

“No it isn’t. I m-m-mean… okay… I’m scared… of c-c-course I am. I mean I could lose h… Loving someone is about wanting h-h-h happ-happiness, right?” she asked, staring at her glass of water. “And I’m m-m mostly happy. I know I am and I know I could go on being… m-m-mostly happy. It’s just that I know I’m not the Ying and that’s what I w-w-want to be, what I n-n-need to be. I want more.” She looked up at Riley briefly before dropping her eyes again. “You know… Ying and Yang, the natural blending of two souls, two opposites? Well, I know I’m not the Ying and I think I kn-kn-know who is. We… we’re like t-t-t two mostly Yangs. Oh, and it’s knowing who her Ying should be, who it is, who it h-h-has to b-b-be.”

Riley’s expressions showed that he was amused by her ramblings but his expression quickly changed as he picked up on the gender that had been mentioned in that last comment. As a thousand thoughts seemed to cross his face, his eyebrows became more mobile than Roger Moore’s during his entire incarnation as Bond. Finally his face froze as the pieces fell clearly into place – his eyes grew wide and a slight red tinge grew under his skin. He suddenly sat upright, his relaxed and welcoming posture gone. He simply nodded blankly in response to Tara’s last comment, unaware that she wasn’t even looking at him.

“I mean I was the foolish one who thought… you know, being the first meant… well, being the first. How stupid was that?” Tara said her anger rising at the unfairness of the situation.

“You… you’re… Her? So you think… your…” Riley grappled for the right thing to say, “partner” almost whispering the word in case he had misheard her previous comment, “is cheating?” Seeing the look of anger that suddenly flashed across Tara’s face, he quickly retracted “NO… you think …” His face desperately trying to remember what she had said “You think your… partner could have feelings… for someone else!” he finished, as he finally understood.

Tara nodded, as an unhappy mix of the anger and sadness fought for control of her.

“And you think you know who … your partner has feelings for? But you’re not sure if it’s real?” Riley faltered.

Tara again nodded.

“If it isn’t …” he said moving on hesitantly, like a barefoot man walking on broken glass.

“Why can’t I be her Ying?” Tara pleaded plaintively, ignoring Riley, talking mostly to herself and the glass of water, dropping all gender avoidance and transposition, seemingly forgetting Riley was even there.

Riley stared intently at Tara as she continued to talk to herself and the glass. His expression partially bemused, he seemed to be fighting some inner confusion. He shook his head slightly, then squinting he stared at Tara again before allowing a slight small stupid smile to cross his face.

(Oh boy, he’s just hit oil,) Xander observed, complete understanding in his tone.

(Xander) Giles hissed again.

The smile turned to a smirk leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that Xander was right.

(Oh no!) Buffy exclaimed as all her own fears threatened to engulf her. She wanted to close her eyes, she wanted to spare herself, to spare Willow from seeing some sexuality- challenged Neanderthal use his size twenty-five homophobic feet to stomp on Tara’s life choice. To subject her to his fantasy-riddled concepts of what two women together meant. She wanted to stop seeing herself as Tara; to stop hearing the words she knew would come her way from a thousand unsought advisors hell-bent on helping her to be normal. If only they knew.

“She doesn’t know… she can’t. She’d never do anything that cruel. No, no…” the blonde witch shook her head as she mumbled for a while, her voice below a whisper. “Oh goddess, please don’t let her have chosen me knowing… I don’t deserve this.” The tears flowed again.

In a moment of apparent maturity, more than welcomed by the group observing this vision, Riley wiped the silly grin from his face, as he observed the tear stained face of the woman before him, allowing the gravity of what he had been talking about to sink in.

“After everything… all her… am I… aren’t I… c-c-c could I be? S-s-s so left out of her life… the strange looks… awkward silences… unasked questions… chased by a werewolf… ” Words failed her.

Riley’s face became unreadable until his expression slowly evolved into something akin to a deer caught in the headlights of an eighteen-wheeler.

“Tara?” Riley called, “I have the feeling that I’m… well, I’m… Look, I don’t exactly have a great relationship record myself,” he pointed out; still sitting well back from the table he had previously been leaning across. He looked like he was ready to cut and run.

(Oh thank heavens,) Buffy said as she realized he’d got over the idiot smirk and mental fantasy attack that seemed to overcome any man the minute you mentioned two women.

“I love her. She w-w-w-would never… no… She c-c-can’t know. Because if she knew… that would be evil. I could never forgive...,” she declared, falling into silence. “What did you say?” Tara asked foggily as she suddenly realized that Riley had spoken.

“Look it’s not like I have anything against… it’s just I don’t really know how… well I could guess ho…” He shook his head to remove the rest of that sentence. “Not that I’ve avoided or have any hang ups about… what two people choose to do in the privacy of their own…” he continued to ramble.

(Oh yeah, he’s gonna say it,) Xander stated, sadly shaking his head.

“Look, some of the guys I tutor are gay… and that’s fine by me. But I don’t… I mean… If you thought I was being nice because… not that it would be bad to be… but I’m… I’m straight,” Riley explained, his skin becoming paler and paler not to mention sweatier, as he spoke.

(Oh Jeese, he said it!) Xander exclaimed.

Tara looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

“I just think that maybe you need to find someone who… maybe has some experience in this field. You know…”

Tara’s face showed that she was unraveling his comments, momentarily leaving her own thoughts. As she stared at him the recognition flew across her face… “Oh!”

“You seem a really nice girl… I mean I like you… I’m just not sure that… if you just think about it... you probably have plenty of friends who could… help. You know, be more understanding. Do a better job than… me,” Riley offered.

“Sure. I’m sorry. I just n-n-n needed to unload a little,” she responded, her cheeks reddening. “You seemed kind… I mean you w-w-w were kind… to listen. Sorry,” Tara said, her shoulders sagging.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I just… I don’t think I’m the right person to help you with this. If I was any help at all, but…” he responded apologetically. Standing, the relief at being let off the hook evident in his expression, he smiled at her, “You’ll be okay?” he asked, his shoulders stiff and his posture rigid. It was obvious he didn’t want to be told that he should stay.

“Yeah. It’s okay,” Tara replied, her tone flat and her eyes glazed.

Before turning and leaving her alone, Riley offered her another apologetic smile.

(Poor stupid schmuck,) Xander accused, understanding mixing with annoyance at the failure of a fellow male.

(How could he leave her like that?) Willow asked, hardly able to contain her anger.

(I think it’s probably best he did. I don’t believe that he was helping,) Giles commented sadly.

Willow wanted to scream at the scene before her. Tara was now sitting alone. At a table in a now practically empty café. No one to talk to… because of something she had done.

Lightning seemed to strike the vision as white became all they could see. They all flinched.

(Who the…? What the…? Tara?) Willow questioned, her voice filled with concern.

Buffy struggled to keep her hold of the vision so that as it slowly returned they saw him standing before Tara; a tall man in floor-length robes. Well, at least he looked male. Two horns atop his bald head and a whispy beard appearing from his jaw line, with two Japanese drops, plus the blue demon skin, which left no one with the feeling that his appearance was a good thing.

(Oh no,) Xander exclaimed as he recognized Anya’s ex-employer. (That’s D’Hoffryn.)

(Who?) Buffy asked, warily studying the ugly-faced tall man as he moved towards Tara.

(Anya’s ex-boss. She pointed him out in a book once,) Xander explained.

(Oh great. Just what we need,) Buffy observed.

Tara sat back abruptly in her chair as the demon moved to stand before her. “Wha… w-w-w-what do you want?” she asked nervously.

“You have much anger and pain. Your magic is strong, but your pain — it's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls. We heard your call,” he answered.

“I didn’t m-m-m mean to…” she apologized, inching away from him.

“Do not fear me, sister. Our intention is not to quash your demon potential — quite the contrary,” D’Hoffryn assured her.

“I… p-p-p potential?”

“Come now my dear. You must be aware that all in your family line have the potential that would allow them to join the lower realms. I have noted the pains you take to hide your demon potential; to fit into this realm,” he stated, sounding irritated at having to even mention the subject.

“But… I’m g-g-g good… I’m not… you’re wrong. I keep t-t-t that in check. No one knows… even she… I’ve n-n-n never… I would never… ” Tara protested.

(She what? She’s what?) Willow jumped in.

(Will, calm down. I’m sure it’s not the way it sounds,) Buffy offered

“The pain and suffering you wish upon those you love, who have betrayed you, is inspiring. You have the potential to join us in Arash Ma'har,” he stated with quiet confidence.

“No! No wishing! T-t-t-there has been no wishing,” Tara assured him, a small amount of guilt and fear tarnishing the conviction of her words. “Oh, Goddess. But I didn't mean to! I didn’t… I only thought it once,” she admitted in a very small voice.

(Noooo!) Willow yelped in anguish. How could she have made sweet, caring Tara think…, let alone wish…? Bad Willow, she chastised herself internally.

“Indeed, you did. And your power brought that one painful thought to my ears. Quite a feat for one so young,” D’Hoffryn praised. “You will make a fine vengeance demon. I feel sure that your first act of vengeance will prove very… enlightening. It will be a pleasure to assist you in vanquishing the two who cause you such pain.”

“No, please!” Tara begged. “You can’t… you d-d-d don’t understand… ”

“It is not my concern. You are my interest in this matter,” he stated dismissively.

“I-I-I don’t wish to… offend you. I mean, your offer is v-v-v very kind, but… I do not want you to hurt them,” Tara explained emphatically, steeling herself to look at him as he towered above her.

“My dear girl, I heard your thoughts,” he said, a patient tone entering his voice.

“That was just a moment’s m-m-m madness; a loss of the spatial awareness. But to h-h-h-harm them – NO! They don’t know,” Tara explained.

“Do you truly expect me to believe that these two souls, so perfectly matched, are ignorant of their linked karmas; of their natural attraction? I have not kept my position for over 200 years by believing that such innocence exists. Mankind is by nature duplicitous,” he protested. “If they have fooled you, then perhaps you are not the one I seek.”

“But they honestly don’t know. They may never know. They’re not trying to fool me. If anyone, they’re fooling themselves. I see the way they f-f-f fit, the lengths they go to, the things they risk, their choices, their commitment. The unspoken conversations,” her eyes saddened as she spoke, “the unconscious looks and glances, the joy at meeting, the d-d-d- discomfort at parting. I’ve accepted it, but she doesn’t know. Neither of them know,” Tara finished.

“But she shares your tastes, my dear. Do you believe her so honest that she would not be with another woman?” he asked.

(I didn’t, baby,) Willow whispered.

“Not in that way. N-n-n no. She would never… Willow… my Willow would never do that. I know her. I love her. I could never feel this way about her if I didn’t believe… if I didn’t know that,” Tara insisted, fighting back the tears.

“And the other? Do you know her that well also?” he questioned.

“I know her aura, her calling. I know her. I… like her. She’s… a… g-g-g good soul. And I know… she hasn’t realized… it escapes her. And if she knew…” Tara floundered momentarily, “her own fears and her sense of honor would prevent her…”

“I see,” D’Hoffryn said his tone somewhat disappointed. “It seems I have wasted my time.”

“I’m sorry… truly… I am. But I only want her to be happy… a-a-a and if that means I have to let her go… if t-t-t that means I have to feel like this…”

“It will, my dear. Be assured of that. Every great sacrifice is painful. To waste such pain… oh well. Here is my talisman, if you ever change your mind.” He held the talisman out to Tara who accepted it. “You can just give me a call. ”

“Thanks,” she said nervously.

D’Hoffryn started to leave but paused and turned to ask, “Are you sure?”

“Willow’s in love with B-B-B Buffy… and I c-c-c can’t fight that,” Tara stated, in a hollow voice.

(Well finally…) Xander exclaimed, losing control of his thoughts.

(Xander) Giles hissed, lashing out to hit him across the top of his head.

(Ha…) Xander protested before realizing his faux pas and shutting up.

(Huh?) was all that Buffy managed, as her mind seemed to explode.

“As I said, the offer will remain open my dear,” he offered, his tone sympathetic, as he turned and vanished into the pillar of smoke that had appeared to greet his exit. Leaving Tara alone again…

Willow released the vision rod as if it was a poisonous snake, jumping back from the group. Buffy had lost her already tenuous grip on the vision and, in her numbed state, made no attempt to regain it.

Xander gently removed the rod from Buffy loose grasp, placed it on the floor and turned to Giles. With the slight movement of his head, he indicated that they should leave.

Giles stared momentarily, still annoyed at Xander’s outburst, before he realized the wisdom of the young man’s suggestion. He nodded and stood to follow, the for once quiet and tactful, Xander back into the shop.

***********************************BtVS*****************************

Chapter 19

After closing the door to the training room, Xander turned to Giles and said, “I didn’t see that coming.” Although part of him wanted to listen in on the conversation that would soon occur behind this very door, he resisted and returned his attention to the older man.

“Indeed,” Giles commented, recalling the shock, guilt and fear that had crossed Buffy’s... no Willow’s… what had Xander and Anya called her earlier… Ahh yes… Wiffy’s face. “Willow seemed… Hurt?” he questioned, a sadness filling him as he accepted his own guilt at wishing for someone else, anyone but him, to open this subject… to say the words. And Buffy… Bullow?... seemed so lost… upset… helpless… scared.

“Poor Tara. Seems once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen,” Xander reflected, briefly remembering his own lapse with the red-haired witch. “Oh boy, is Willow gonna go big on the guilt. She’s not good with even thinking she could hurt others. There was a whole six months of remorse and fasting when she found out about what happened to the cute dolphins, tunas and seals when they were caught. Even though she never liked eating fish to begin with,” he recalled.

Giles nodded ignoring Xander’s attempt at a little [very little] comic relief but accepting the truth of his earlier observation. He moved towards the study table and sat, resting his arms on its surface and losing himself in thought. Past images of Tara, smiling quietly in the corner as the group discussed and planned, filled his mind. He recalled how happy he had been that he never had to engage in post-teen polite conversation with the girl. She always seemed happy just to listen, something he wished the rest of his charges did more often, or even at all.

Xander sat opposite him and waited. He knew that the series of visions they had just endured were going to take more than a nano second to sort out. He watched as Giles took his glasses off, tapped them against the back of his hand and revisited the disturbing succession of visions that they had just witnessed. A half-smile crossed Giles’ face as he realized that once again he was taken aback by the intimacies of their lives and how events often led them to share these with each other.

“It would seem that we have an outside party who appears more than a little intent on affecting the natural order of events by distressing the Slayer and those closest to her. However, why is as yet to be determined,” Giles absentmindedly commented to no one in particular.

“Kinda got that. The whole lawyer and ‘curse within a curse’ thing, right? So we’re looking for a lawyer. Maybe some old pal of the Mayor’s with a grudge?” Xander suggested. “Great! All we want to do is move on but oh nooo - here comes another big snake.”

“I’m not sure that anything we have seen would infer another serpentine manifestation. However, there does appear to be a maleficent power at work. So the possibility of a connection to the Mayor should be investigated. Faith appears to have been central to their plan,” Giles commented recalling Faith’s visit to the law firm and the reappearance of that same lawyer with the shopkeeper that had provided the spell to the dark-haired slayer.

“I hate to be the one to point this out but it doesn’t seem that Faith is really part of the whole ‘curse within a curse’ thingy. I get the feeling there’s a mega evil subplot here that has nothing to do with her. And if every B-movie I’ve ever seen is anything to go by, it means that they are about to attack the intelligent but charming sidekick who figures out what’s going on,” Xander predicted nervously. “I think we need to call in reinforcements.”

“Xander? Indeed, it would seem that Faith might not be responsible for the ‘curse within a curse’. The events we have witnessed would lead me to believe that possibly Faith was duped. Merely used as a delivery system. As a way of assuring that the curse, that is their hidden curse, would reach Buffy and Willow. It would seem we have two agendas in play, neither of which I am completely sure we understand,” Giles pointed out, as Anya joined them after the last customer had left the shop. “Perhaps we should consider the possibility that when Faith stated that she was sent here by Cordelia and Angel, there may actually have been some grain of truth to her statement.”

“You mean you think she was telling the truth?” Xander asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. “Oh boy, is that gonna suck.”

“Indeed. However I wouldn’t go that far just yet. It may be prudent to call LA again,” Giles pointed out.

“Great another expensive long-distance phone call,” Anya grumbled.

Acknowledging Giles’ reservations and ignoring Anya’s comment, Xander agreed that the ex-Watcher should call LA, even though his instincts [as well as Faith’s earlier secret visit] told him that Giles was probably correct about the dark-haired Slayer. “Cordy did seem… well… close to Faith,” Xander affirmed unable to stop his mind from wandering back to the tanning scene.

Anya looked at him oddly.

“Yes, she did. But what really concerns me was Cordelia’s reference to a future event that they had to prevent. Angel seemed angered by the vision to which Cordelia referred but he also seemed strangely loathed to become involved, which did concern me. I now believe that was mainly because of his feelings for Buffy. We have to seriously consider that Faith was, indeed, sent in his place. Cordelia seemed to infer it was… woman’s work?” Giles pointed out, somewhat relieved that he was talking to Xander and not the girls, who were sure to take offence at this interpretation of events. “And if, as I believe, the purpose of Faith’s curse was to assure that Buffy and Willow admit… how they feel, then that would explain Angel’s reluctance to be the messenger. However, the choice of Faith as the messenger somewhat puzzles me.”

“Yeah, she’s not exactly a cupid stereotype.” He recalled sensing a brief softness in Faith only once but his own lack of confidence and insecurity had given him no clue as to how to deal with the high walls she put up. He’d watched her defenses go up like lightning at his fumbling, youthful approach the morning-after. He had been unable to bring down her walls and clearly remembered his embarrassing exit. “I mean, I never really saw her as big on the whole true love thing, you know,” Xander explained. He could feel the sense of having missed a moment that morning when maybe he could have said something… done something to make a difference with Faith. Maybe if he had …
Out of the corner of his eye he caught Anya staring at him and a cold splash of reality shook his mind into the here and now.

“Agreed. Faith’s past would not lead any of us to believe that her true calling was that of a matchmaker. I believe that there is far more to her motive than meets the eye,” Giles stated, replacing his glasses and fixing Xander with a determined stare. “Before Buffy and Willow emerge, we must consider what our next move should be.”

“Where are they?” Anya asked, having had enough of quietly listening.

“They had to talk. Something sorta came up during the visions. It’s… well… a personal thing that needs discussing. You know, the kind of thing we talk about when we’re alone,” Xander explained.

“Oh, you mean they’re talking about sex,” Anya commented with a gleeful grin.

Xander sighed. “No. It’s a personal talky thing. About their feelings.”

“About time!” Anya exclaimed. “So how did it come up? What did they say? Who said it first? I bet it was Willow.”

Ignoring her questions he turned to Giles and agreed, “I’m thinking a call to LA while they’re still busy in there is the best way to go.”

“Agreed then.” Standing Giles moved towards the counter, only to find Xander following him. He halted and placed a hand on Xander’s shoulder. “While I do this,” he said indicating the phone, “I think you need to talk to Anya before… they emerge.” He gave Xander a stern warning look over his glasses.

“Gee thanks,” Xander grimaced, turning back to see Anya’s eagerly questioning face. Xander prepared himself to tell Anya about the vision quest and what she shouldn’t say to the two when they came out of the back room.

*****************************BtVS*************************

Buffy stared at the floor before her as a strange jelly belly thing seemed to come over her. She shivered as the feeling seemed to be spreading from the pit of her stomach to her extremities and goose bumps climbed up her arms in response. Her mind was numb with shock as she tried to formulate thoughts but none came. Fear stopped her from raising her head to look at Willow. If someone was to ask her how she felt – she would have no response – just a blank stare. She wanted to ask someone else to explain, someone else to order her thoughts, she wanted help but the one person she would normally ask was the one person she couldn’t.

‘Willow? Tara? Something important was said.’ She struggled to reclaim reality; regain control. Her hands lay palms up in her lap. She stared at them, willing movement but even blinking and concentrating didn’t help her. Her hands stayed as they were. She had felt like this once before - after that beer episode when she had found small insignificant things distracting.

Willow stared at the brick wall as yet another tear joined the now saturated route down her cheek. ‘She knew… Oh god I’m such a bad, bad person. Evil… to do that... But I didn’t know… I mean I cared but I didn’t know that I CARED. Oh Tara, my dear sweet Tara… I’m so s-sorry,’ Willow offered her thoughts up to the world, hoping that someone somewhere would interrupt or take over. She felt as if the whole world knew.
She could feel the eyes of the world looking at her, their expressions saying that they didn’t believe her. ‘But I didn’t know. Not then… not for ages. I mean I cared, but there are many levels to caring. You can easily fool yourself… that it’s best friend love but you don’t know you’re fooling yourself. I can lie to myself quite convincingly. I’ve done it for years… and I’ve done it really well… not to say I knew I was doing it. Hello, I had a boyfriend. Oh I’m so bad… bad, bad, bad.’ She saw her grandmother, staring over those tortoise shell half-rim reading glasses that she seemed to have glued to her face whenever she used to visit, with that all too familiar look that said “I know you’ve been up to no good”. ‘B-b-b-b… but I… ’. She had no comeback.

‘Tara said that Willow’s in love with me!’ The memory slammed into Buffy, roughly knocking her back into reality. Her jaw dropped and she finally turned to stare at her Willow. What she saw tore at her heart --- the tear-stained face, the guilt-wracked eyes, and the sorrow. And the thousand and one questions she had ready to ask suddenly dried up in Buffy’s mouth.

********************************BtVS************************

Giles dialed LA slowly still formulating what he was going to ask. Hitting the last digit, he turned to see Xander sit down next to Anya. ‘Now there’s a conversation I’m pleased to be missing,’ he thought.

The ring tone began and he waited. After four rings he heard a click and the unmistakable background noise of an answer machine recording. “You have reached Angel Investigations. We help the helpless. No one is available to take your call at the moment. But if you leave your name and number, we will get back to you as soon as possible,” Cordelia’s recorded voice advised him. He sighed in frustration and waited for the inevitable beep.

“Hello. This is Giles. Cordelia, I need you to ring me as soon as you get this message either at the Magic box or at home. I need to talk to you about Faith. Urgently! Thank you.” And with that he replaced the receiver. “I hate those damn things.”

Frustrated he turned back to Xander and Anya, only to be confronted by a customer with his purchase in hand. “Is this third or fourth dynasty?” the man asked, pushing a Takani figurine before him.

******************************BtVS****************************


Buffy moved slowly towards Willow. She had to know - was Tara right? Fear gripped her and her stomach turned. Her mind raced as she inched towards Willow. Suddenly, the witch glanced towards her. Willow’s eyes filled with such sadness that Buffy was immediately lost in the need to ease her pain.

“Will?” she asked with concern.

“Buffy… Oh Goddess… I didn’t know,” she responded, lost in her thoughts of the pain she had inadvertently caused Tara.

“I know,” Buffy responded, reaching out and gently touching Willow’s arm. “I know,” she said, knowing that she herself had had no clear idea then. She hadn’t figured it all out back then. Suddenly feeling as if somehow she was to blame, she withdrew her hand from Willow’s arm. She had no right to expect anything. She was partly to blame for the pain Willow now felt… and for the pain Tara had felt then and might still be feeling. If she had only hidden her growing feelings better, Tara would never have known.

“I drove her away, just – just like Oz,” Willow stated. “We…”

“No, Will. I don’t believe that’s true. This wasn’t about… pushing her… or him… out. This was about…” Buffy tried to complete the statement but words escaped her.

“But we… we always drive them away. Didn’t you see?” Willow questioned, referring to the earlier vision of Cordy and Oz. She desperately wanted to move the conversation away from Tara’s last comment.

“Maybe we do… but unintentionally. We’re so caught up in each other and what we do. What I do…,” she said the last guiltily, angry at herself for once again being the cause of Willow’s pain, “We always have been. But I can’t believe Tara left just because she… felt that way,” she added.

“B-b-b but she said she never felt part of… the gang,” Willow said lamely. “I tried. I know I did. But I kept us to myself for so long. I so wanted her to be something that was separate… from… you know… all the badness, the danger. Was I wrong? Did I keep her from it for too long? Did she get the idea that I was… hiding you…us... the scoobies... that part of my life from her?" she babbled.

“No, Will. It’s only natural to want to protect those you care for,” Buffy stated, knowing that she had done that herself. “I try to do it all the time and you guys rag on me every time I try.” she observed.

“I didn’t know… I honestly didn’t feel… She was wrong… I would never have….Oh Goddess,” Willow turned to look away.

“Will… was s-s-s she righ… did you f-feel… do y-you feel… that way about…?” Buffy stumbled and stammered (suddenly somewhat like Tara used to do when the blonde witch was very nervous) but she could wait no longer. ‘Why the hell is this so damn hard. What am I afraid of?’ she questioned herself, knowing damn well what frightened her. Either possible answer - ‘if she says Tara was right, you’ll have no idea what to do and if she says Tara was wrong, you’ll still have no idea what to do. You’re such a mess,’ she told herself.

Buffy remembered the day that Willow told her that she was gay and with Tara. She had been totally surprised and happily stunned for a moment until she realized that her secret love was in love with someone else and lost to her. She had lost her façade for a moment but regrouped when Willow became upset.

Willow remembered how freaked out Buffy had been the day she told her that she was gay and with Tara. She had never seen the Slayer so stunned and almost speechless. She had thought that nothing would ever surprise Buffy; that Buffy would always support her no matter what. She suddenly feared that the revelation had been too much for her best friend; that she would pull away from her and that thought hurt terribly. Then Buffy had taken a deep breath and the best friend was back supporting her. But Willow had never forgotten…

Willow became very still. ‘Oh Goddess, I can’t tell her. Not now… not after… she’ll think that was why we… Oh Faith, why now? I could have been honest with her if we hadn’t … But now she’ll think… Oh Goddess, what will she think? That I’m some love sick, sex crazed stalker who took advantage of the situation to sleep with her. She’ll never believe how hard it was… how painful to love her just that once knowing that it would never happen again.’ As she slowly turned to face Buffy, she made a critical decision that pulled at her insides, tearing them from within. “I’ve always loved you guys. I always will, but… I would never have cheated on her. Never,” she responded sidestepping the issue.

“Of course you would never… I… I wasn’t suggesting that you would. I … well, I just wondered why… why Tara would say… ?” Buffy questioned, feeling really stupid for asking.

“I don’t know. She probably felt excluded from the Scoobies and… from… from our friendship. You know, we’ve known each other… umm… so well… long… aah… been through… so much… so close… we… ,” Willow responded casting her eyes down, in a glance that Buffy mistook for embarrassment.

“So you’ve never thought of me… as a possible… like that?” she mumbled.

“You’re straight!” Willow exclaimed but seeing the hurt look on Buffy’s face she quickly added, “I mean you’re gorgeous and sexy and all that… not blind, you know, and if you weren’t… you know… and I was looking… I’d totally be checking out your bod… Oh great, now I sound like Xander.” Realizing what she had just said Willow blushed, “But you… you’re Buffy,” she offered as if that statement explained everything. ‘Tara, I’m so sorry baby. But I can’t,’ she silently proclaimed to the heavens and Tara. To Buffy, she explained “I mean you’re straight… you’ve never… I’m not really your type…”

“My type?” Buffy questioned a bit too loudly, unreasonable annoyance manifesting itself in her tone as her eyebrows rose.

Willow panicked for an instant as she tried to figure out what she had said that was so wrong, that had upset Buffy so much. “Female, I’m female…” she pointed out.

“Oh right. Because I Could Never Consider Sleeping With A Woman?” Buffy asked, her sarcasm rising as she began to release her frustration. She was annoyed, knowing that Willow wasn’t giving her a direct and honest answer. “What exactly did we do the other night? Exchange knitting patterns?” Buffy asked angrily.

“That… that was… there were reasons… circumstances…” Willow babbled, before falling into a stunned and very confused silence.

********************************BtVS*************************


It was amazing how easily the hoping and longing for Willow to utter those three little words had built up within her. If Tara had never voiced her belief, Buffy could have moved on with her life; continue as she had until now. But oh no, now she had the opinion of someone who knew Willow almost as well as she did in many ways and knew her better in the ways she so wanted to. And then there was Faith… God help her, she hated to give the ex-slayer any credit… but... she seemed to know too. How could they both know? And yet Willow – her best friend, the one who had always stood by her, who always had her back and who she believed had always understood her so well – her Willow seemed to have no idea how she felt. Her mind was spinning. She had to say something… do something.

So here she was --- punching the hell out of a bag that was beginning to feel like a brick wall to her non-slayer fists. She was so frustrated by Willow's refusal to admit any impure thoughts, let alone feelings for her.

She wanted to shake her, to force her... 'Oh good God, what am I turning into? One night with her and I go all – “you have to want me”. She’ll think I've lost it!' Her doubts did nothing to allay her frustration.

"Buffy? I didn't mean to upset you. I just… I never really thought… you know… What with Angel and Parker… that, you know… that women were something..." Willow stumbled to explain her confusion.

"That I could find a woman attractive? You wanted Xander. Then you had Oz. But then you found Tara and you decided… Well so could I! I mean… I never dismissed it. I just … I never… I didn't do anything about it," she rambled, annoyed at herself for starting this conversation.

"OK. So you were curious. That's natural," Willow said, attempting to understand where Buffy was going with this.

"No! It wasn't like – that!" Buffy responded quickly, recognizing the tone of Willow’s comment. Everyone knew Willow’s opinion of girls who made it known that they just wanted to experiment while at college but also made it very clear that marriage and kids -- ‘the acceptable’—was their real goal. "It isn't like an itch... a need to experiment… or to try it on for size!" Buffy stated angrily. "I know that I could... easily find a woman attractive. I'm not some ‘airhead, marry-the-quarterback cheerleader type’ thinking about a little experimentation but planning on going back to the norm. Do you see anything normal about my life? I live the least normal life I know of… through choice. I can make choices… I consider options... and I don't like being stuffed into pigeon holes," she finished, realizing that she had begun to raise her voice again.

"OKAY. I get it. No more holes," Willow replied. "I... I mean of the pigeon variety."

"Don't you get it, Will?" Buffy asked, not really expecting a response. "I seem to spend most of my life as either Buffy the daughter or Buffy the Slayer or Buffy the student or Buffy the friend or... I just don't need another label --- Buffy the straight girl. No, I want to be… you know… just me --- Buffy. All and everything that I am… and can be. I thought you, of all people, got that."

Willow felt like a fool. She'd completely missed the point. "I do, Buffy. I do get you, honest. I just... Well, I guess that part of you… I mean, it never really came up… You possibly liking women… just never occurred to me," she finished lamely.

"Well, it seems like it occurred to Tara," Buffy stated, as she stopped hitting the bag and dropping her hands to her sides.

"I guess it did," Willow responded, still lost as to what all of this meant. Her eyes caught the movement of Buffy's hands and looking at them, she saw they were red; the knuckles almost raw. She stepped toward Buffy for the first time since her best friend had started punching the bag and reached for them. "Sometimes I think Tara had exceptional radar. I mean, after all, she did find ME," she commented, as she grasped and raised Buffy's hands before her. Noting the damage done, she threw Buffy a disapproving look.

"It’s not so bad. They'll heal," Buffy assured her.

"Not as fast as you’re used to. If you’re going to inflict harm on that body, please remember it's only a loaner and you’re not Slayer-insured at the moment," Willow reminded her. She'd gotten used to having Buffy's strength and physical recuperative ability. Suddenly she considered what a shock and adjustment it must have been for Buffy to be stuck in her normal body.

"Sorry, Will. I forgot," Buffy replied, allowing her senses to briefly enjoy Willow's gentle touch and attention.

"Yeah, well we’d better see to those," Willow responded, moving Buffy towards the ever-present first-aid kit that lived in the far corner of the training room. "I do get you Buffy. You have to know I do. But I don't think I can honestly say, and I am being honest, that I know everything about you. I’m sure that I don’t. I probably never will. I don’t think you need to know everything about someone to get them, to understand them. I mean we all have secrets, things we keep to ourselves." She paused to open the first-aid kit and search for the iodine and cotton balls. "It seems now that Tara figured out something about you that I just never thought to ask. Maybe I should have known but I didn’t. Maybe I should have asked but I thought a big part of getting you, understanding you, being your friend was just accepting. You know? Right now I’m feeling pretty stupid for not asking."

"It’s not like I handed out clues," Buffy sighed, feeling silly for lashing out at Willow. This was so not going the way she had expected it to go if they ever got this far. She always pictured a quiet conversation - with Willow understanding everything even before she finished saying it and then falling into each other’s embrace. Her beautiful kindhearted best friend had always been so good at knowing what Buffy was thinking or needing almost before she did herself. More than once, their almost mental telepathy had saved the Slayer’s life. ‘Why wasn’t it working now?’ Buffy silently pleaded to anyone who would listen.

"Some gay-dar. Do you think I could get a refund?" Willow quipped as she gently worked on Buffy's knuckles. "Is that the real reason you had so much trouble asking me questions or even talking about it when I came out?"

"It was awkward. I didn’t know what to say… how to say it. It seemed like… you know… a copycat move to say ‘Gee, guess what? I think I like women too.’ Plus it wasn't… you know… all sorted out in my head back then," Buffy responded, recalling the shocked realization that had almost drowned her when she had first confronted her feelings; when she had finally realized that the love she felt for Willow was more than the best friend kind of love. "You… it was about you then. Will… and it… well…. it never really came up again,” she ended lamely.

"You could have talked to me… then… or maybe later. And now with all this going on, you don't think… oh, I don't know… to mention that you like women too," Willow declared, her annoyance evident as she recalled the nightmare gamut of emotion and guilt she had felt, not just over the past few days but ever since that night when she had told Buffy that she was gay.

"Sorry, Will" Buffy responded, her instincts telling her that now was not the best time to tell Willow the true reason for remaining silent. She couldn't even get Willow to talk about what Tara had said. The last thing she felt brave enough to do was admit her own feelings.

"Do you have any idea how stressed I was about... the switch… the solution… I mean the pressure... expectations... It would have helped, you know. I mean... I felt like I was leading a straight girl... But you... Why didn't you say anything?" Willow asked, her face a study in frustration, hurt and confusion. She felt so hurt even though a small voice told her it wouldn't have mattered.

"I was scared too, Will. It’s one thing to think you could be... But if I’d mentioned it… you'd have had expectations and I had nothing, just an idea, a belief... no clue what to say or do… Fixing a body switch… Not a great place to share that... Will, I was scared. What if... what if despite what I believed… I didn’t like… or I wasn't any goo...” Buffy rambled suddenly stopping, embarrassingly remembering where they were. She looked over at the door that led to the shop. Giles and Xander were just the other side of that door. "Will, I'm sorry. Okay? What else can I say?” she pleaded, still looking nervously over her shoulder at the door.

Willow followed Buffy's gaze to look at the door to the shop. She looked back at Buffy, let her words sink in and then she turned her gaze to the back door. It took only moments for her to decide that she really didn't want witnesses to this conversation; she didn’t want any interruptions. So once she had finished treating and wrapping Buffy's knuckles, Willow moved towards the pommel horse and easily picked it up and moved it - placing it directly behind the door. “That should prevent any interruption,” she said turning back to a grateful looking Buffy. “You were just saying something about ‘sorry’?”

*******************************BtVS******************************

"Anya, please. They may not want to share how they feel. That’s why you can't ask, no
matter how much you and I may want to... " Xander pleaded, repeating himself for the
third time.

"But Tara's already told them, and you and Giles saw her do that. They know you'll tell me," Anya pointed out.

"No they won't. I don't tell you everything," Xander protested before he could stop himself.

"You keep secrets from me?" Anya accused.

"Yes... I mean… No… I mean…" he sighed in frustration. "Anya, this… well it's a secret that isn't really mine," Xander concluded, feeling like the survivor of a near miss.

"Then why did you tell me? You tell me stuff and then I have to remember which stuff I can let people know I know, which stuff I can tell others, what I can ask, what I can't mention, what I have to remember but never say. It's just not fair. And you’re always leaving me out," she added accusingly, quite pleased at the concerned expression that crossed Xander’s face.

"It's not like that, Anya. We learned something very personal to both of them. They're probably feeling very vulnerable because of that and… Oh God, I wish I'd kept my mouth shut," Xander said looking towards the ceiling. “I was only telling you what happened so you wouldn’t ask them.”

“Don’t you think they know you’re telling me? I’m part of this too, you know? I should know what’s going on,” Anya insisted.

“Yes, you should. And you do. But there are certain things that while I can tell you, we shouldn’t talk about with the others,” Xander persisted.

“Like your fantasy about…”

“Exactly,” Xander said quickly not really wanting to know what exactly Anya was going to say. He loved that he could talk to her about… well… anything. But there were times he wished she’d have amnesia or, at least, laryngitis.

"Do you tell everyone our secrets?" Anya asked, annoyed by his logic.

Xander threw his head back and laughed, "Anya, you tell everyone our secrets!"

*****************************BtVS********************************


“Cordelia. Nice to hear your voice,” Faith said as she rested her head against the wall.

“Right. Don’t suppose you’re getting much conversation at the moment,” Cordelia commented, aware that Faith really didn’t do small talk with strangers, let alone friends. ‘When did we become friends?’ she wondered.

“You could say that. Mostly I’ve had big huffiness and accusing looks. But that’s five by five… as long as things work out,” she responded, a slight hesitation in her voice. She wasn’t sure if she should tell Cordelia she had spoken to Xander.

“You hanging around for the ‘Thank You’?” Cordelia asked.

“Oh right. Somehow I don’t see a big ‘Thank You’ scene in my future. Nope, I’m hanging on to see the finale - smoochies, hearts and flowers. But you tell anyone and all bets are off, gorgeous.”

“I get it. My lips are sealed. No one would believe me anyhow,” she laughed. “So how goes the matchmaking?”

“It’s like watching two sloths trying to get it together on the natural history channel. Painfully boring,” Faith joked. “I’ve done some pushing and there’s now been some… movement.”

“What makes you think that?” Cordelia asked.

“Surveillance. They’re linked at the hip at the moment. Seems like they’ve made in-roads, if you know what I mean,” Faith giggled, her laughter unmistakably dirty.

“In-roads? What do you mean? Oh! Oh!!” Cordelia jerked with surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah. But I don’t think that Red or B did anymore than… you know… go through the motions,” Faith said, suddenly embarrassed by a topic that would normally never faze her.

“Well... Really? Well, it should be pretty hard to ignore how they feel about each other after that,” Cordelia remarked, her mind awash with images that she found both enticing and inviting. She was very glad that Faith couldn’t see her face, as she was damn sure she was flushed.

“Yeah, that’s what I figured. Shouldn’t be long now,” Faith agreed.

***********************BtVS*********************


They had fallen into a brief silence once Willow had blocked the door to the shop. Buffy had stared at her newly bandaged hands, as Willow stood waiting for an answer, until her mind inevitably wandered completely forgetting why she was standing there. It was as if they both realized that there was going to be no escaping this conversation and time had frozen in response.

Buffy tried very hard to recall why she was mad with Willow - the tender, loving friend who had yet again seen to her wounds. She couldn’t help thinking about the visions and how they had excluded others in the same way they were now excluding Xander and Giles, just like they had… she shook her head realizing that she had forgotten Anya. Guilt reared its head yet again, as she wondered if she’d ever just dismissed Tara like that. She hung her head in shame staring at her feet, wishing she could melt into the floor because she knew very well that she had. She had never felt so worthless of someone’s attention and consideration. Tara had thought of her, noticed her, helped her, understood her and sacrificed herself for Willow and her… and yet she had done nothing for this woman. She hadn’t even paid her more than passing attention and that had been sprinkled with jealousy, even though she actually liked the girl. Could she really be so unfeeling… so self-centered? Did she treat all of her friends, those that cared for and helped her, so… so… badly wasn’t a strong enough word - what would Giles say… without regard or thought to the impact she had on the lives of others…? Had she taken them all for granted… of course she had. Sometimes she just needed to, except, of course, for… Oh God?

Willow really did not want to be here at the Magic Shop right now. Part of her wanted to get away from Giles and Xander, to avoid the inquisition that she knew would follow the vision rod episode; another part of her wanted to get Buffy to herself and another part wanted to run away from all of them including her secret love. Because now she realized that they would have to talk. Panic was setting in. What if Tara was wrong? What if… what if Buffy didn’t feel that way about her? What if she wasn’t the kind of woman that Buffy… might find attractive? Buffy had only ever treated her as a friend…best friend, for sure, but never anything more. Her mind began computing seven or eight different excuses that Buffy might believe that would explain Tara’s belief that she was in love with Buffy, without her having to admit that she really was. Suddenly she decided she would rather face Giles, Xander and even Anya right now.

Buffy felt so foolish as she realized that her outburst had been nothing more than the fear that Tara was right and that her beautiful witch had to know or... how could she… no, she had to know. Raising her head and looking at Willow, who still stood just in front of the horse, Buffy said, “Willow, I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I expected you to know… It’s just that… well… Tara…” she gulped nervously. “I mean how would she… why would she think…?” She tried to look as calm as she was able to at her dear Willow, holding in all her fears and doubts as she asked, “Why would she think that you were… in love… with me?”

Willow sighed. She had known this question was coming. It had been the most important thought on her mind from the moment Tara had said it and she finally realized what she had to do. She had to stay as close to the truth as possible. She couldn’t lie… not completely. Besides she was terrible at lying especially when it came to Buffy. So turning to her best friend, Willow saw the quiet question on her face and smiling weakly before responding, she mentally crossed her fingers and toes and silently prayed ‘Please let her believe me’.

“Will?” Buffy nudged.

“Buffy… I’ve been thinking about that. You know, when you first came to… Sunnydale…” Willow began, having committed to her course, “I … well that is… I had a… you were so nice and you talked to me. I couldn’t see why you wanted to be my friend. I was all big with the study and kinda the poster child for uncoolness… but you didn’t seem to mind…” Willow recalled.

“Willow. You were not. You’ve always been one of the coolest people I know,” Buffy interrupted.

Willow ignored the kind comment, wishing Buffy would just listen and not talk. This was hard enough with her just looking… Willow shook her head, trying to regain her thoughts. “Back then… you’d… you’d had the big invite… you know, to join the cool crowd. I mean Cordelia had pretty much given you the pass… you were in. But then you sat… with me...” Willow stumbled, trying to make her point. “You didn’t leave when… You… I’d… I only had Xander. I wasn’t at all popular… I didn’t make friends easily. I didn’t know how… I… babbling puts most people off,” She smirked self-deprecatingly, suddenly feeling like the awkward, awestruck teenager she had been back then. “When it turned out… after having asked for help with your homework… you… you didn’t leave… you didn’t just ask for help and leave… like the others… you wanted to … hang. We became friends… you defended me… you protected me… you saved my life. You were so brave… so kind,” she said gazing lovingly into Buffy’s eyes, lost in a thousand wishes, her thoughts scattered.

Buffy made a move to speak but the small shake of Willow’s head silenced her.

Regaining her thoughts Willow continued, ignoring the blood thumping against her temple as she approached the moment of truth. “It… it wasn’t just Xander… who… who had a… a… a c-c-c (gulp)… who had a crush on you…” she faltered, dropping her eyes unable to raise her head she plowed on. “I… I liked you… I know now… I know what it was now. I didn’t… then… honestly I didn’t, Buffy. It wasn’t… you know… all I’ve gotta jump her bones. Just sorta warm and soft… pleasing… innocent. I didn’t know back then that… that two women… well I knew, but I hadn’t… I just thought that was how you were meant to feel… about a best friend,” she explained, pausing before adding the ‘half lie’ that she hoped would explain Tara’s statement. “Years later I met Tara. It was only then… after I fell in love with… that I realized… I’d had… that once I’d felt… that what I’d felt… that I’d had a crush on you… back then,” she finished.

Buffy stared at her friend, unbearable pain filling her heart. She’d heard the past tense of Willow’s words that were like a sharp knife to her heart. Then her anger grew at the injustice that once Willow had felt something for her but that now… now… she was the one who felt… and it was too la…

“I guess Tara… picked up on how I… I mean I kept her away from you guys for so long. She was bound to wonder why. Maybe she picked up how… I used to feel,” Willow added, feeling as if lightning should strike her.

**************************BtVS***********************

Chapter 20

Giles heard a slight ‘thump’ and turned to look at the door to the training room. He truly hoped that the conversation was going the way he hoped. His mind suddenly filled with images - intimate and somewhat embarrassing. He shook his head, removed his glasses and mentally threw a cold bucket of water over his thoughts. As he did so the door opened and Buffy emerged, looking somewhat crestfallen. He made a move towards her only to be met with her hand raised to ward him off as she continued towards the front of the shop without pausing to acknowledge anyone. Then without a backward glance she opened the door, stepped through and slammed it behind her.

Giles turned with a questioning gaze towards Xander who met his eyes and simply shrugged. They both turned towards the training room door to see a somewhat upset Willow leaning against the doorframe, her eyes fixed on the recently slammed door.

Willow was lost in a thousand thoughts. Buffy hadn’t reacted as she had expected. Her words had seemed to accept Willow’s explanation but her eyes didn’t say the same. Then she had laughed in that awkward and self-conscious way that Willow knew all too well. Willow had expected Buffy to be complimented and relieved but she hadn’t expected her to… well… to run away.

“Will? You okay?” Xander asked, as he and Anya moved towards her.

“Yeah,” she acknowledged, barely paying any attention to him as her mind frantically searched for a clue as to why Buffy had reacted the way she had. Realizing that he was watching her, she smiled and repeated herself, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“So you guys talked?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Willow responded, unsure how to explain what had just happened to her oldest friend. “I… ahh… explained … you know, how Tara… how she had… misunderstood… been wrong.”

“Really? And that obviously went well,” Xander commented, looking at the shop door. He couldn’t help himself from asking somewhat incredulously, “You told her Tara was wrong?”

“Xander. Not now,” Willow snapped. Seeing the wounded and puzzled look on his face she added, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. OK?” She then moved away from him and towards the front of the shop.

“OK,” Xander responded. For a moment he thought she was going to run after Buffy. But as she stepped up into the main retail area, she turned left, away from the door and vanished from his view.

“OK?” Anya repeated. “She lies to Buffy and you say ‘OK.’”

“Anya, honey, I don’t think bashing her over the head with the ‘obvious to everyone but you’ stick is going to help any. She knows she lied. That’s what’s eating her up. But it’s like… you know… giving up something addictive… a secret. She’s spent so long hiding it that… ” he stared toward the front of the shop. “She’s too scared to let it out.”

“Now? Now she’s scared? Why? This is a good thing. Doesn’t she know it’s a good thing? I mean she tells Buffy and the switch is fixed.” She looked at Xander in frustration. “In what dimension is getting your own body back as well as finally getting you true love not good?”

“It’s complicated. There’s also the big fear that Buffy doesn’t feel the same,” Xander explained.

“Oh right. They’re already orgasm buddies. Of course Buffy feels the same!” Anya stated.

“Anya, sex does not equal love. You know that right?” Xander asked his frustration evident.

“But… they… I mean how can they not know after… how can you have sex with someone who loves you and not know?” she asked plainly confused. “I mean… you would know if they didn’t love you… so you must be able to know when they do. How can you hide that?”

“Easily. I thought stuff like that was what kept you busy for decades,” he smirked.

Anya huffed at him and stormed away, leaving him to mull over how Willow had managed to keep her feelings hidden while she and Buffy… However at this point he lost complete control of his mind and entered a world of fantasy as visions unfolded before his now glazed eyes. Otherwise he would have seen Anya heading straight for Willow.

**************************BtVS***********************

Buffy just walked but in her mind she was blindly running. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes as she felt her heart being squeezed by the disappointment and unfairness of it all. She had missed the window of opportunity; a window she didn’t think could have ever existed. But there had been a window. There had been a moment in time when Willow had thought of her that way and she had missed it. She drew her mind back, trying to see if there had been any clue, any hint. She was so upset that she had missed an obvious opening.

Nothing came into her mind and she felt like such a fool. Was she really so blind? How had she missed that Willow had once felt that way about her? She laughed out loud. “Could my life get more complicated?” she asked the world in general, not really expecting an answer.

“Gee, probably,” came the reply in an all too familiar voice that made her tense in anticipation. She turned to see a smirking Faith standing before her.

“Oh, and you’d know just how to do that. This is ALL YOUR FAULT!” she railed at Faith, all her frustration and anger suddenly finding a target. She instinctively took a fighting stance.

“You’ve got to be joking,” Faith said as she noted the change in her posture. A smile crossed her face as she realized that Buffy was working on instinct; that she’d obviously forgotten that she was no longer the slayer at the moment.

“What? You find this funny? You think what I’m going through is amusing?” Buffy demanded as she moved closer. “Let me show you amusing.” And with that she turned to launch a kick at Faith’s midsection only to find that instead of meeting her target, her leg flailed in mid air. Faith had moved. ‘But how?’

“Okay B, you obviously forgot so I’ll let that slide,” Faith commented, still amused by the actions of the woman before her. “You’re not the Slayer any more, at least not for now” she reminded her. “You couldn’t kick the broad side of a barn right now, let alone me.”

Buffy glared at Faith who was just feet from where she previously stood. She thought she heard quiet pity in her voice and her blood raged even more. Regaining her balance she charged at her nemesis, fists at the ready.

Faith couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Bearing down on her was an enraged ex-Slayer. It was Willow’s red hair flaming behind her and sparkling green eyes but it was Buffy’s rage that they displayed. She froze momentarily but quickly recovered. Instinctively she sidestepped and placed her hands on Buffy’s careering shoulders, gently pushing her to the ground.

“Ooomph,” Buffy felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as she hit the sidewalk.

“Will you just chill? I’m not here for this,” Faith explained, stepping back to give her plenty of room.

“What the hell are you here for? Is there a leather fetish convention I don’t know about?” She countered as she picked herself up. An ache in her knee made her wince as she did so. ‘Great, another bruise on Willow’s body.’

“Hey, so you don’t get the message. Don’t shoot the messenger, honey. And since when is that my fault?” Faith retorted.

She raised her head to glare at Faith and growled “You’re never good news.”

“Guess what, B? Turns out that leopards and spots… not that impossible a thing to change. You should try it. Get off that high horse and just admit it - you’ve forgotten how to be just plain Buffy,” Faith pointed out. “Just look at you right now. Your first instinct is to fight, so you give in to it. That’s the easy way out. Believe me, I should know. That’s what it’s like to be us; eager for the battle; hungry for conflict and afraid of the feelings and needs that make us human.”

“You’re not human! You don’t know a damn thing about being human!” Buffy yelled as she lashed out with her right fist, only to have it blocked easily by Faith. “You don’t know a damn thing about me.” She threw her left, which was again blocked.

“I know more than you realize. You’ve always kept her close but you never really let her in. Then you watched as…”

“Stop it! Shut up! How dare you… how dare you come here and… Just shut up!” She threw another punch with her right, then left - each easily blocked. At a loss for words, she threw a flurry of punches at Faith as all of her anger and frustration poured from her. Unwanted tears formed in her eyes and seeing them, Faith grabbed her wrists.

“B, just let her in. Then it’ll all be over… all taken care of,” Faith promised softly.

“It’s… It’s too late. You ‘re too late,” Buffy sobbed as the tears fell.

Faith looked at her dumbstruck. Before her stood the face and figure of Willow but the tear stained eyes belonged to Buffy and they showed such pain, such grief and such anger. ‘This isn’t working at all. What the hell is wrong with these two?’
“B, I think you… ”

“What? Just what do you think? Oh, that I’m so eager to hear the thoughts and advice of a killer. Please, please offer me your wisdom,” Buffy spat out. Seeing a momentary hurt on Faith’s face filled her with such satisfaction that she kept on going. “You have nothing I want. Nothing!” She stated as she tried to pull herself free from Faith’s hold.

“I don’t need this,” Faith said releasing Buffy’s wrists and stepping away from her. “You and your sweetheart both know what the deal is. You must both be from the shallow end of the gene pool not to figure it out. Well, that’s not really a huge shock,” she laughed.

“Oh, because you’re all psycho brainiac bitch with some sort of evil plan, you get to throw rocks. Well, I don’t see you heading for Harvard or some high end corporate job or any job at all. Or did you forget your Lear Jet in the shop? And that Skanky Ho costume must be some new uber trendy rave gear, right?” Buffy taunted, now in full bitch mode. “Can’t wait until it hits the shops. I know a few lamebrains who would buy into that look - mostly they’re of the ‘party all night, can’t take the sun’ variety.”

Faith just smiled at her, part of her saddened to see that even without her Slayer powers, Buffy was still on the attack against her. She feared that she would never be able to break through Buffy’s anger and hatred against her. “Chill, B. Fact remains you wanna fight and I don’t. Cool though it would be to run rings around you… you’re not really in the game right now. Guess I’ll have to go see Red if I need to get a real work out,” she leered suggestively. “Especially if you’re not gonna give her one,” she winked provocatively. “We’ll talk again… when you’re ready to listen.” With that she turned her back on Buffy and casually trotted away.

“You stay away from her!” Buffy yelled as she tried to follow. But the pain in her now inflamed knee soon brought her to a halt. At least that’s what she told herself. The fact remained that she couldn’t have kept up with Faith’s slayer stamina and speed even if she hadn’t been hurt.

Buffy stood panting in the middle of the road, one hand reaching down to her swelling knee. Staring at the back of Faith as she disappeared into the distance, frustration seemed to be her new best friend. She thought about what a pathetic sight she must be, standing there staring after the woman who had totally screwed up her life… having not been able to do anything to hurt her… having not been able to caused her any pain… having exacted no revenge greater than a bunch of words; not even a few sticks and stones to break some of her bones.


***************************BtVS*************************


Willow felt like a horrible human being. She had yet again hidden the truth to protect their friendship. And yet again she had somehow hurt Buffy. ‘I’m not meant to hurt the one I love, sappy song lyric or not. But it seems to be… well… it’s just… well, like a rule. And right now I seem to be extra good at it,’ she chastised herself, even though she couldn’t quite figure out what she’d done.

Her mind went back Buffy’s response to her explanation of Tara’s statement. Her best friend had stared at her, blinking several times and said, “Right… sure…ok… that explains why she…umm… right. All cleared up – we’re good. You did a good job hiding… I mean I missed it… ok, so… Everything’s fine, Will.” Then there was that awkward, self-conscious laugh as Willow had moved the pommel horse that barred the door. “Gotta go… need some air…” Buffy had declared as she bolted through the shop and out of the door.

Willow shook her head, trying to remember if she had ever seen Buffy at such as loss for words, unable to complete a sentence. Buffy was usually all about the words, even in the most dangerous situations. Oh, yes there was the time she had told her that she was gay.

Then it suddenly occurred to her, ‘Maybe she’s freaked because she told me… Oh goddess how did I miss that? She likes women! Well, she thinks she might,’ Willow’s mind spun at the idea of seeing Buffy with another woman. Her blood boiled, and suddenly panic and anger seemed to invade her very being at the thought. She was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she didn’t hear footsteps or notice Anya’s approach.

“So you lied to her?” Anya demanded looking down at Willow, who was sitting with her knees hugged to her chest, resting her head on the end of the counter area.

“Wha…”

“You lied to her?” Anya asked, annoyance obvious in her tone.

“I didn’t… exactly… I… It was the truth,” she stated defensively.

“Really? Why does everyone treat me like I’m not really here or like I’m an idiot? You all talk as if I don’t know what’s going on. Well, I do,” Anya pointed out. “You seem to forget that I was a vengeance demon.”

“I don’t see how we could ever forget that,” Willow commented sarcastically.

“Over the decades I’ve avenged thousands of broken hearts… sort of an expert. OK? As it turned out some were more pointless than others. But you… you leave me speechless,”
Anya stated.

“All evidence to the contrary,” Willow sniped.

“You really don’t seem to care what Buffy needs - do you?” Anya continued her attack ignoring Willow’s gibe.

“Hey!” Willow objected, uncurling her legs.

“You’re hurting her. Talk about cruel. At least the vamps and demons don’t pretend to be her best friend. I can’t help thinking that you mean to cause her pain on purpose,” Anya stated rather angrily.

This time Willow stood, squaring off with Anya. “Hey! Where do you get off talking to me about causing pain, especially to Buffy? Flayed anyone alive lately? Isn’t that what you used to do?”

“It just doesn’t make any sense. You had sex for goodness sake,” Anya stated, still ignoring the pointed comments and moving in closer until her nose was almost touching Willow’s.

“It’s complicated,” Willow spat. “There’s more involved than just having sex.” She so did not want to be discussing this with Anya.

“You all say that ... like sex is a dirty word; something to be ashamed of. If it was just sex, you wouldn’t all crave it so much. What you hunger for is the closeness of another, of a very special person,” Anya explained, clearly annoyed by Willow’s inadequate response and obvious inability to understand. “And why do you? Because it’s the one place… that closeness… where you can’t avoid telling the truth; where you can’t be anyone but who you are whether you mean to be or not. You’re naked… really naked. If people would just stop trying to hide and bother to really look… It’s only then that you can see everything.”

Willow stood and for the first time she looked at Anya; really looked. She had never thought the day would come when she would want to crawl inside the head of an ex-demon, especially this one. But for a brief moment she seemed to be making sens….

“You’re both so busy hiding who you are and what you need. I mean you and your whole ‘I’m a big fat Lesbo Dyke and if you’re not then I have no time for you’. You don’t let anyone see what else you are other than that. Are you trying to scare the straight women away?” she asked in all seriousness.

“What the... Where the….?” Willow gaped, “You have to be joking.”

“Do I look like I’m joking? You use your ‘gay pride’ flag to intimidate a campus full of straight women who might just be interested in jumping the fence for a night to see if they like it… if they could do so discreetly, quietly. But if she’s not out there holding that rainbow banner with you, there’s no chance with you, is there?” Anya asked accusingly.

Willow couldn’t believe that Xander’s girlfriend was talking to her like this.

“But maybe that’s how you’re planning to keep them away,” Anya continued, laughing at Willow as she did. “You’re just hiding behind your gay badge of honor.”

“I am so not hiding. Hello! Out and proud. I just… I don’t have time for women who don’t know what they actually want,” she responded, feeling her blood rise. ‘How could she accuse her of hiding? It had been so hard to come out at first, especially to her friends, the people she cared about – Xander, Giles, Buffy’s mom, Dawn and… above all… Buffy, but now she would never hide again. She would never compromise her lifestyle just to make others comfortable.’

“So you’d rather be ‘Out and Proud’ than find someone you might have to work things out with… help along. You’re all ‘Look at me. I’m out and special, and if you’re not out and special with me – then good bye.’ And you’d never be interested in someone who was… oh, I don’t know… a little confused about what she wanted,” Anya replied with a self-satisfied smile. ‘If Tara had played by those rules, you’d still be sulking about Oz.’

The Slayer/Witch was getting angrier at the ex-demon’s words. She wanted to find Buffy, not listen to this. So she started to move toward the door but was stopped by the ex-demon.

“But I haven’t even seen you with any gay girls since Tara left either”, Anya continued. “Now why is that? Can’t you find anyone interesting or is that you want to be alone? What are you afraid of or do you think that no one good enough for you, not even Buffy?”

Willow could feel the hot blood rising to her neckline as she glared at Anya. ‘How could she think that I would let anything including my life choice push Buffy away’? “I am not afraid. I do not hide. And I am not any kind of gay snob,” Willow said quietly through gritted teeth.

“So what about the other night? Guess you were too busy hiding the other night, or just lost in getting your ‘big O’ jollies, to take a good look at Buffy… really naked Buffy, body and soul, to read how she moved, to hear the noises she made, to know what she really wanted and needed. Or do you even care ab…”

‘Who the hell did Anya think she was? What did she know about her? About Buffy?’ “Not everyone is like you, Anya. I’ve already told you… it’s not about just sex,” Willow snarled.

“OK. But if that’s true, then what’s the reason that you won’t be honest with … Ohhh! Of course!” Anya suddenly felt as if a light bulb had gone off in her head, “I never thought you were that devious. You really love being the Slayer, don’t you?”

“Anya,” Willow threatened.

“What was it? You get tired of being the sidekick, the number two? Is that it? Or is it the power you crave? And now that Buffy’s not special anymore, you’re not even interested? You must have secretly been so pleased when Faith pulled her little switcheroony on you two,” the former demon continued.

“Anya,” Willow growled as her eyes narrowed.

“Because you don’t seem to be able to give it up, do you? Not even for your best friend, the person who’s save your life so many times, for the woman you love… Not even for Buffy,” Anya concluded.

Willow lost her grip on clarity as rage overtook her, anger flaring like a volcano, a red haze forming before her eyes and she blew. The next thing she saw was Anya - flying across the shop towards the closed door, arms flaying and a scream starting to build. But before it could escape completely, she landed awkwardly with a resounding thud and a faint crack as her back slammed against the door causing the shop bell to ring in apparent surprise.

“Anya!” both men exclaimed before launching themselves towards her landing site. As they fell to their knees beside Anya, Giles turned and cast Willow such an accusing and deeply disappointed look that it cut to the very core of her anger. As the reality of what she had done washed away the hot blood of her rage, she seemed to shrink in all-consuming shame.

“Oh my go… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to… Anya… she… I… ” she mumbled, not sure what to say. She moved towards Anya who, seeing her coming, involuntarily flinched in anticipation of another attack. Willow froze, shocked by Anya’s reaction to her, and fell helplessly to her knees. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… you shouldn’t have said… ”

“Willow. I strongly recommend that for the next few minutes you remain silent,” Giles growled through clenched teeth, unable to look at her for fear of what he might say.

Hearing the thinly veiled anger in his voice, Willow held her tongue. She watched silently as they questioned and inspected Anya to determine the extent of her injuries. ‘I did that. I let the Slayer in me… take over. I couldn’t… a red fog… how could she say… I’d never… she pushed me. That’s no excuse… ’ She had used her borrowed powers in anger. She’d lost control. She’d forgotten and as a result she’d injured Anya. ‘How does Buffy control the rage, the anger and the strength? I never imagined how hard it might be for her… to be her. She is such a good person. All I’m good for is hurting people.’

************************BtVS****************************
Willow sat on the floor, a look of despair falling across her borrowed features. Giles stood over Anya as Xander carefully lifted her up onto her feet. The young man, then, gently turned his girlfriend so that he could lift up her top and look at her back. As he did so, Giles saw the deep imprint of the doorknob and inflamed skin, which convinced him, would surely mean both internal and external bruising.

Unable to hold his anger in any longer, he turned to glare at Willow. “You very stupid little girl! Do you have any idea what you have done? What you could very well have done? To use Slayer strength on a mortal is inexcusable,” Giles stormed. “This kind of behavior is what I would have expected from Faith – not you.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Willow whispered as her heart sank. She hated knowing that she had disappointed Giles. “I don’t know where it came from… I’m so sorry. Anya, I’m really sorry,” she repeated as the tears of guilt began to form within her apologetic eyes.

“Indeed you should be. As you very well know there are rules…” Giles added, about to remind the Slayer of an often-repeated lecture. However the overwhelming remorse and welling tears he saw in Buffy’s face stopped him. ‘Oh goodness. This isn’t Buffy. It’s Willow!’ his mind raced to regain its balance. He sighed in frustration. He knew that Willow was probably in the grip of the subliminal rage that many previous watchers had observed in their slayers and she had never been prepared, never trained to be a slayer. But he couldn’t let excuses fill this moment. To do so would be far too dangerous right now. “Yes well, I’m sure we all realize that you are dealing with the very new power and urges of a Slayer. But I do not believe that being unfamiliar with the Slayer within can totally excuse such a lapse of control.”

Willow nodded and cast her eyes towards Anya, hopeful to at least make eye contact so that she could offer a visual apology, but the ex-demon would not look at her. She felt as if she had become a bully - one of those girls she had feared in kindergarten because they knew how to fight and would take advantage of those who could not.

“I understand that you and Buffy may both be experiencing an extremely emotional and stressful time but that is exactly when control is most important. It is possible that Anya may have been somewhat misguided in her comments but one truth rings through,” Giles paused, hesitant to open a conversation that he had so far been successful in avoiding. Although both he and Xander had done nothing to stop the conversation between Anya and Willow, they could do very little to avoid hearing all of it. Dropping his eye contact, he took a shallow breath and said in a voice so quiet that Willow almost didn’t hear him. “You lied to Buffy.”

“I… I told her the tru…” Willow couldn’t finish as she caught the sideways look from Xander.

“It is very possible that you two are destined to be together,” Giles commented ignoring her partial statement of denial. “Our visions have led me to what I believe to be a quite justifiable conclusion. When viewed with the translation of the original curse as well as recent events, I think it is only prudent to believe that unless you and Buffy are able to resolve the… various emotional aspects of your relationship… not only will there be dire consequences for mankind… there may well be a dire consequence for Buffy. I feel fairly safe in asserting that Buffy will be put into the kind of danger… that is to say… what I must believe it to be - a grave danger… considering the extreme chance that both Angel and Cordelia chose to undertake in asking Faith to help prevent this possible future occurrence.”

“But… you… you think that Faith is here to help?” Willow asked, her face a study in disbelief.

“Unlikely though that may seem, and I grant you that I would be the first to agree that Faith would not have been my first or even sixteenth choice, yes I do believe that all things considered probability dictates that in nearly all of the possible scenarios that I have considered, she is actually here to help,” Giles clarified as only he could.

Willow was dumbfounded. Her mouth moved as she desperately attempted to express herself. She very much wanted to question what Giles had said but she couldn’t find the words.

Faced with a silent Willow, who seemed to be stuck in goldfish mode as she repeatedly opened and closed her mouth with no sound escaping, Giles decided to reiterate what he considered to be the pertinent and pivotal issue at hand. “At the risk of repeating myself to deaf ears